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No hay peor sentimiento, mmmm, no hay peor manera de aprender una lección, que saber que algo no debía suceder, ese terrible sentimiento acompañado de frustración, enojo, coraje, dolor y MUCHA FRUSTRACIÓN, creo que ya dije frustración, pero es que, es la palabra justa para recalcar enfáticamente la enorme molestia que siento conmigo misma.
Bien, en este momento tan frustrante para mi, puedes decirme: te lo dije, es más, podrías reírte sin piedad, fuertemente y con malicia sobre mi miseria, adelante hazlo, ambos sabemos que lo quieres hacer y te mueres por escupirme a la cara “TE LO DIJE”, solo te puedo decir que aproveches y te burles todo lo necesario de mi estupidez crónica. Vamos, el que te rías de mí con fuerza solo me hace más fuerte y me hace aprender la importante lección que nunca debería olvidar: EL AMOR NO ES PARA MI, simplemente yo no nací para amar a nadie, así de fácil.
Además acepto las burlas después de que con arrogante pretensión te dije que por fin sería feliz, que me comía mis palabras sobre que el amor apesta, pues sabes que, ahora las vomito porque me dieron indigestión y una muy terrible, que además de dolor de estomago dañaron profundamente algo adentro, no sé que sea, no tengo idea de que órgano haya afectado, no soy médico solo sé que me duele algo en el pecho situado entre los pulmones, lo malo fue que no solo afecto eso, también le dio un duro golpe a la razón.
Así que tú TE LO DIJE, queda eclipsado por mi conocimiento de causa de LO SABIA, en estos momentos ese te lo dije, es tan light comparado con el sentimiento profundo de LO SABIA la cagaste de nuevo, espero comprendas mi punto, espero puedas a esbozar de una manera algo entendible lo muy FRUSTRANTE que es saber algo y aun así irte de boca al precipicio. ¿Cómo pudo pasarme? Sí yo ya lo sé, el amor no es para mí, es para unos cuantos dichosos personajes de televisión, cine, teatro, revistas y libros. Yo una persona común, corriente, ordinaria, una ciudadana promedio muy amargada no necesita de este tipo de golpes duros al ego, tal vez no sea un golpe al ego, a lo mejor es un gancho al corazón o un jab a la mente, mmmm, igual y es un knock•out al alma, lo que sea me dejo lastimada y mucho.
Yo sabía que era mejor vivir así como lo venía haciendo, con el corazón en la nevera, guardadito y conservándose de descomponerse con el cruel paso del tiempo. En la congeladora el corazón queda parado en una larga espera, conservándo lo mejor que pueda sus características físicas. Además yo tenía un plan a prueba de Ethan Hunt con sus misiones imposibles para evitar que cualquiera traspasara e intentara lastimarlo, a quien engaño, mi plan era o más bien no era a prueba de tontos y mi falsa sensación de seguridad basada en arrogancia y desinterés legitimo por los demás. Pero no contaba con el viejo arte de la adulación, un consejo invaluable que te puedo dar y que me debí dar yo misma es no se debe creer en las palabras, las palabras son frías y vacías, son dañinas y engañosas, las palabras y la retorica NO SON NADA y deberíamos hacer caso omiso a ellas por el peligro que conllevan.
Las palabras solo confunden y engañan, las palabras no son nada, solo endulzan el oído con crueles y aparentemente piadosas mentiras, pero no es así, y mucho menos las crueles palabras de amor, cuando no son ciertas y buscan motivos ruines, pero me pongo a pensar existen las palabras de amor reales, no me mal entiendas, no digo que nadie sea capaz de sentir amor, seguro hay un gran porcentaje que es feliz a expensas del amor, ¡yo no! tal vez sea tu caso también. Pero el amor ó más bien las palabras no son nada si no están acompañadas de hechos.
En este momento estoy tan frustrada y tan molesta por mi última derrota la cual sabía de antemano y por experiencia que iba a perder, una batalla que estaba destinada al fracaso desde su comienzo como una predicción profética. Ahora me siento tan tonta y un poco triste, que la única solución, más bien el único plan de contingencia viable que veo en este momento, es rendirme, no hablo de rendición depresiva bajo las cobijas de mi cama, no soy así y la verdad como diría Lily no quiero despertar la misericordia de los demás ni su compasión mirándome en una cama tragando dulces, yo soy mucho más fuerte que eso. La solución es al estilo zen, una búsqueda interna en la que voy al encuentro de sentimientos nobles y sublimes que me den la valentía necesaria para salir adelante y para no olvidar NUNCA que el amor apesta a carne podrida.
Voy en busca de la ira, del oído, del resentimiento y el coraje para hacerme de una armadura impenetrable que no permita a otro ser humano NUNCA JAMÁS NUNCA hacer circular sangre por mi corazón, NO QUIERO y no pienso permitirlo nunca más. Así de fácil y simple, la solución más lógica seria arrancarme el corazón, pero obvio no vivo sin él, entonces lo voy a amurallar con kilómetros y kilómetros de barreras impenetrables, ahora si vamos a llenar de mil inviernos a este inexperto corazón, además de los campos de minas, voy a congelar desde adentro este órgano inútil, que solo me hace débil. Además quien necesita sentimientos cuando se tiene a la razón, ósea hello, el cerebro es más práctico y ayuda a sobrevivir.
No creo ni siquiera estar cerca de alguna conclusión, simplemente me di cuenta que la mejor manera de sobrevivir es que te olvides del amor por completo.
Es probable que suene amargada y desilusionada, Y QUÉ, se que estaré bien en tres días mientras tú sigues adorando al falso ídolo del amor, yo estaré liberada de la matrix espantosa que se alimenta de mis fuerzas y viviré alineada de ella.
Si quieres unirte a mi grupo de descorazonados, eres bienvenido, estas en el lugar correcto. Te daría un abrazo afectuoso pero sabrás que tener sentimientos de empatía hacía otros no es lo nuestro, simplemente estamos congregados bajo la consigna de protesta viviendo cada quien bajo sus lineamientos de frustración.
Bloguera de hueso colorado desde el 2008. Porqué siempre hay algo que decir yes@elblogdeyes.com
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